*DISCLAIMER* This blog entry is about venting. Please understand that as part of my weight loss there are going to be times when I struggle, and hate the world and need to vent. I am sharing these feelings for those of us who sometimes feel the same way. Know that you are not alone. Also, it does not mean I am giving up, or anything like that, I just need to air my frustrations it is how I cope. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, as that is not the point. I would like to thank Ms. Nicole for coming tonight and listening to me bitch, not only did it make me feel better, but I got through the workout. You are an AWESOME work out buddy and it was nice to know you were feeling some of the same things I was. Okay, do NOT read any further if you dont want to hear whining, bitching or complaining. THANKS!!! :-)
So I think my frustration began last night at the gym. I decided to weigh myself, before weigh-in day. Brooks has advised against this, but I'm a bit rebellious sometimes and I didn't listen. So when I weighed in, I had actually stayed the same from my starting weight. This upset me TREMENDOUSLY. Brooks told me not to worry, but it became stuck in my head and really bothered me. I thought to myself "HOW? HOW COULD I HAVE NOT LOST ANYTHING?!" I reviewed my plan, looked at everything, thinking I have done all the right things why isn't this weight moving? I finally convinced myself that I was overreacting and would check the scale again in the morning. I have been having some stomach issues, I am not sure if this is from the change in diet or what but it makes me feel very sick to my stomach in the morning. So I went to the gym, weighed in and it had dropped a pound. I should have been satisfied with this, but I think it just added to my irritation. I thought what the fuck? I've been doing all this work, I'm starving and a pound?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Needless to say I was pissed. I did my cardio and went home. When I got home I ate, but I was craving chicken fajitas and no matter how I calculated it, I COULD NOT fit them into my daily meal plan. This just added to my frustration. I then got a big headache and starting feeling sick to my stomach so I laid down. I could not sleep because my neighbors and apartment complex were throwing a BBQ. This also added to my frustration as I could smell all the delicious food cooking outside. Pissed me off even more. Then I get to the gym, and I'm doing cardio and I'm hungry. I'm hungry, I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry with myself for being fat, I'm angry with all the skinny people around me, I'm angry that people won't let me cry and whine. I'm just angry. Nicole shows up and lets me vent to her. I know it's just food, but not being able to have what you want to eat is hard. It's the hardest thing to do. I am an emotional eater and it took EVERYTHING in me today to not stray from my diet. Another reason I was frustrated. I know all the shit, I know it takes time, it's hard work, I have to be positive, blah blah blah. But unless you've been there, unless you have gone through it you have NO IDEA how hard it really is. How much I want to be skinny, how I want to look in the mirror and actually like what I see and yes, the scale to me is the biggest motivator. Lesson learned. I will NOT and encourage anyone losing weight to NOT check the scale until weigh in day. The scale is your enemy not your friend. I am feeling much better now that I got it off my chest, and am ready for a new day. But some days are going to be rough, and as much as I appreciate the encouragement, sometimes I just need to whine and cry and get through it. It's part of the process.
<3 Lyss
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