So I've been reflecting on this conversation I had the other evening about confidence or lack thereof. Confidence is always something I have struggled with, much like my weight, I believe they go hand in hand. I remember the first time I was ever made fun of for being overweight. I had just started at my new middle school, which was in a VERY small town, and a girl who will remain anonymous, called me fatty. It was horrible. Not totally blaming that girl, because as I grew up and became heavier, I heard it from many different people. My favorite was always, you are soo pretty but you would be beautiful if you were thin. I always knew those comments were hurtful and affected me, but it wasn't until later in life when I realized how much. High School was the definitely the worst time in my life. I was constantly judged and treated poorly because I was overweight, and being where I come from, once you were branded that was it. I can remember how mean certain people were to me, that I would go home and cry at night. I never got to go to prom, no boys ever asked me out or showed me attention, and the ones I liked, were grossed out by the fact that the fat girl liked them. All but the exception of one, who knew how much I adored him and was always so sweet and kind to me, I don't think he will ever know how much I appreciate him.
I couldn't wait to get out of high school, hoping that college would be better. For the most part it was. I met a bunch of girls that really changed my life, and brought me out of my shell and they are truly my best friends. They helped boost my self-esteem, but my lack of confidence was still very evident. I guess you could say I "dated" a slew of guys in college, but every single one of them left me for someone else. I never really got to experience what it feels like to have someone truly like me for me. I always knew they liked me as a person, but they were just waiting for something better to come along. Sadly, that "better" person always showed up and I was always left hurt. I met one that I deeply believe did like me for me, but my feelings were never reciprocated, and to this day it kills me.
It makes me angry to think that I let myself be treated by people that way. Even now, I still let people do that to me. I've lived in Arizona for almost 5 years and can honestly say that I have a lot of acquaintances, but only have made one or two "real" friends. Out here it is like high school all over again, I can feel people passing judgement on me just by the way I look. It's a shame, because I'm a really great girl, but my confidence has dwindled. I want so badly for it to come back. I have found that as I get older, judgement actually becomes worse. People look at you and they judge how you do your job, how they associate with you and how they interact with you. Don't get me wrong, I know people that have awesome confidence and people LOVE them no matter what they look like, but I just seem to be lacking that. I know most people don't understand that, especially people who have never struggled with lacking confidence, they don't get why I can't just go up and talk to people or ask people to hang out. It's because I'm thinking the worst case scenario, but being the way I've been treated can anyone really blame me? I always feel a little out of place because I'm big, even when I'm surrounded by the people who love and care about me the most. My relationships with men out here have not been any better. Even when I think that I am being thought of for my personality and not by my weight, I am sadly disappointed. I just wish people would get to know me and accept me without passing judgement first. It makes me very sad that I feel that I have hardly any friends out here and that people are ashamed to hang out with me. I know most of that is me, but it's been a constant in my life for quite some time. I just hope that the weight loss will help with my confidence and it won't matter as much as to what people think. I'm getting better but I'm not there yet.
Again, I write this blog to help me process things, it is not for pity. If you don't like what I post, please do not read it.
<3 Lyss
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