Confidence? What's that?

So I've been reflecting on this conversation I had the other evening about confidence or lack thereof. Confidence is always something I have struggled with, much like my weight, I believe they go hand in hand. I remember the first time I was ever made fun of for being overweight. I had just started at my new middle school, which was in a VERY small town, and a girl who will remain anonymous, called me fatty. It was horrible. Not totally blaming that girl, because as I grew up and became heavier, I heard it from many different people. My favorite was always, you are soo pretty but you would be beautiful if you were thin. I always knew those comments were hurtful and affected me, but it wasn't until later in life when I realized how much. High School was the definitely the worst time in my life. I was constantly judged and treated poorly because I was overweight, and being where I come from, once you were branded that was it. I can remember how mean certain people were to me, that I would go home and cry at night. I never got to go to prom, no boys ever asked me out or showed me attention, and the ones I liked, were grossed out by the fact that the fat girl liked them. All but the exception of one, who knew how much I adored him and was always so sweet and kind to me, I don't think he will ever know how much I appreciate him.


I couldn't wait to get out of high school, hoping that college would be better. For the most part it was. I met a bunch of girls that really changed my life, and brought me out of my shell and they are truly my best friends. They helped boost my self-esteem, but my lack of confidence was still very evident. I guess you could say I "dated" a slew of guys in college, but every single one of them left me for someone else. I never really got to experience what it feels like to have someone truly like me for me. I always knew they liked me as a person, but they were just waiting for something better to come along. Sadly, that "better" person always showed up and I was always left hurt. I met one that I deeply believe did like me for me, but my feelings were never reciprocated, and to this day it kills me.


It makes me angry to think that I let myself be treated by people that way. Even now, I still let people do that to me. I've lived in Arizona for almost 5 years and can honestly say that I have a lot of acquaintances, but only have made one or two "real" friends. Out here it is like high school all over again, I can feel people passing judgement on me just by the way I look. It's a shame, because I'm a really great girl, but my confidence has dwindled. I want so badly for it to come back. I have found that as I get older, judgement actually becomes worse. People look at you and they judge how you do your job, how they associate with you and how they interact with you. Don't get me wrong, I know people that have awesome confidence and people LOVE them no matter what they look like, but I just seem to be lacking that. I know most people don't understand that, especially people who have never struggled with lacking confidence, they don't get why I can't just go up and talk to people or ask people to hang out. It's because I'm thinking the worst case scenario, but being the way I've been treated can anyone really blame me? I always feel a little out of place because I'm big, even when I'm surrounded by the people who love and care about me the most. My relationships with men out here have not been any better. Even when I think that I am being thought of for my personality and not by my weight, I am sadly disappointed. I just wish people would get to know me and accept me without passing judgement first. It makes me very sad that I feel that I have hardly any friends out here and that people are ashamed to hang out with me. I know most of that is me, but it's been a constant in my life for quite some time. I just hope that the weight loss will help with my confidence and it won't matter as much as to what people think. I'm getting better but I'm not there yet.

Again, I write this blog to help me process things, it is not for pity. If you don't like what I post, please do not read it.


<3 Lyss

And your current weight is.....

So today was my official weigh-in day. After the past couple days I really wasn't expecting too much. So what's the magic number you say? Did I gain or lose? ;-)



I lost 6 pounds for a total percentage of weight-loss of 2.03% :-)


<3 Lyss

Good days...BAD days....

*DISCLAIMER* This blog entry is about venting. Please understand that as part of my weight loss there are going to be times when I struggle, and hate the world and need to vent. I am sharing these feelings for those of us who sometimes feel the same way. Know that you are not alone. Also, it does not mean I am giving up, or anything like that, I just need to air my frustrations it is how I cope. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, as that is not the point. I would like to thank Ms. Nicole for coming tonight and listening to me bitch, not only did it make me feel better, but I got through the workout. You are an AWESOME work out buddy and it was nice to know you were feeling some of the same things I was. Okay, do NOT read any further if you dont want to hear whining, bitching or complaining. THANKS!!! :-)



So I think my frustration began last night at the gym. I decided to weigh myself, before weigh-in day. Brooks has advised against this, but I'm a bit rebellious sometimes and I didn't listen. So when I weighed in, I had actually stayed the same from my starting weight. This upset me TREMENDOUSLY. Brooks told me not to worry, but it became stuck in my head and really bothered me. I thought to myself "HOW? HOW COULD I HAVE NOT LOST ANYTHING?!" I reviewed my plan, looked at everything, thinking I have done all the right things why isn't this weight moving? I finally convinced myself that I was overreacting and would check the scale again in the morning. I have been having some stomach issues, I am not sure if this is from the change in diet or what but it makes me feel very sick to my stomach in the morning. So I went to the gym, weighed in and it had dropped a pound. I should have been satisfied with this, but I think it just added to my irritation. I thought what the fuck? I've been doing all this work, I'm starving and a pound?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Needless to say I was pissed. I did my cardio and went home. When I got home I ate, but I was craving chicken fajitas and no matter how I calculated it, I COULD NOT fit them into my daily meal plan. This just added to my frustration. I then got a big headache and starting feeling sick to my stomach so I laid down. I could not sleep because my neighbors and apartment complex were throwing a BBQ. This also added to my frustration as I could smell all the delicious food cooking outside. Pissed me off even more. Then I get to the gym, and I'm doing cardio and I'm hungry. I'm hungry, I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry with myself for being fat, I'm angry with all the skinny people around me, I'm angry that people won't let me cry and whine. I'm just angry. Nicole shows up and lets me vent to her. I know it's just food, but not being able to have what you want to eat is hard. It's the hardest thing to do. I am an emotional eater and it took EVERYTHING in me today to not stray from my diet. Another reason I was frustrated. I know all the shit, I know it takes time, it's hard work, I have to be positive, blah blah blah. But unless you've been there, unless you have gone through it you have NO IDEA how hard it really is. How much I want to be skinny, how I want to look in the mirror and actually like what I see and yes, the scale to me is the biggest motivator. Lesson learned. I will NOT and encourage anyone losing weight to NOT check the scale until weigh in day. The scale is your enemy not your friend. I am feeling much better now that I got it off my chest, and am ready for a new day. But some days are going to be rough, and as much as I appreciate the encouragement, sometimes I just need to whine and cry and get through it. It's part of the process.

<3 Lyss

Cravings....Cravings....and more Cravings...

So yesterday was my day off from the gym. It felt weird not being there, but I definitely think I needed the break. So it appears that I am starting to develop cravings for all my favorite fatty foods. I think this is when the challenge really happens. Yesterday I was craving sushi, soup, salad and breadsticks from Olive Garden (I know, kinda random) and red lobster. I managed to avoid all of those, but it sucks, especially because I am so used to being able to go and get whatever I want to eat whenever I want cause I don't have a support system living with me. :-) I did treat myself to a Subway Sandwich for lunch, which I think helped. I also realize that I constantly have to keep changing my menu's for the week, or else I am going to get bored and burnt out from it. This week I am making Weight Watchers Crockpot Chicken Stroganoff and Brown Rice as my main meal. I am also going to attempt a cheeseburger recipe from the biggest loser, and may even venture and make my own Marinara and Meatballs (again from the Biggest Loser). Today has been a little rough for me though, I am not feeling well. I have a headache, my stomach is killing me, and I need to get cardio in. I am resting for now, hoping I will feel better to go to the gym this evening. I'm starting to get nervous for weigh-in because I did peek at the scale and although it was moving, I'm paranoid I will be disappointed. I know the average is 2 pounds a week and I will be happy with that.

TTFN, Lyss <3

And the first week..(sort of) comes to an END!

So today is Day 5. I got to sleep in, did the weights at the gym and an hour of cardio. My ass is killing from Zumba, not gonna lie. That class is FANTASTIC! Teddy is an awesome instructor. He is half latino/half african american, fabulous and can shake his hips better than most women. Yesterday was the end of the month which is Club Teddy Zumba, and we basically do a club-esk type of Zumba where we do dance moves to club songs. It was AMAZING! Shout out goes to Nicole and my new friend Qiana for joining me and making it soooo much fun! The great thing about Zumba is it is intense cardio and it works every muscle in your body, plus Teddy's rules are smile, breathe, modify, have fun and SMILE. He's the best teacher I have ever had for Zumba. The food piece is getting much easier to track and I am starting to get over the feeling of being hungry all the time. I posted some pics of the food I've been making on my facebook so check them out and I will share if you want the recipes. Some of you have already asked :-) Tomorrow is my first day off from the gym, but I am working at Best Buy all morning so I will be getting some cardio in. I'm excited for weigh-in on Tuesday! I think Nicole, Qiana and I are going to start cooking healthy food together once a week which should be fun, experiementing with the different recipes we have. All healthy of course!

I think that is all for now. <3 Lyss

Cardio, Cardio and more Cardio...

So today is Day 4. My first set of cardio: DONE! Whoo. Tonight is Zumba with the best instructor EVER: Teddy. If you don't know what Zumba is, you NEED to check it out! I love it because I get to learn dance moves to my favorite songs and I get a great workout in! It makes cardio much more fun than just walking on the treadmill.

So how am I feeling? Well I feel pretty good today, I'm less stiff and sore, but occasionally I will do something and feel a ping of pain in a spot I didn't know I could actually hurt in. :-)

My appetite is getting better, but I still have the occasional bout of nausea if I don't eat every three hours. Today is the first day I've actually had enough energy to come home and clean and not need to take a nap. So I guess that's an improvement! :-)

I made my first couple of recipes from my Biggest Loser Cookbook last night, and the dishes were YUMMY! I made a Hula Pizza, Worcestershire Brown Rice, and stuffed mushrooms. If you would like the info on them I will be glad to share!

Today I am making Rosemary London Broil and Parmesan-Roasted Califlower. I also made some graham cracker frozen sandwiches as a yummy healthy snack! It takes time to prepare the food, but it makes me feel better about not having to eat boring healthy food all the time.

I did take a peek at the scale this morning and it is moving in the right direction!!! I try very hard not to weigh every day as I don't want to get discouraged.

Emotionally I can tell you that I am finally feeling happy with myself. I've been taking a lot of time for me, reading books and just enjoying my own company. I LOVE not being stressed and worrying about work, and really cherish that I have a job where I get summers off, doesn't mean I work any less than people who work all year round. It gets lonely, but that's just natural. I do spend time with my friends when I can, but I am still trying to avoid temptation, which makes going out a little bit hard right now. Until I am comfortable with not having to binge on junk food when I go out, I may limit my happy hours or dinners where I will be tempted. I know most of my friends will be supportive with this. :-) Alright, well I need to start cooking and eat so I can get some rest in before ZUMBA!

<3 Lyss

Let's play the body game.

So it is day 3 but first I am going to recap some points from Day 2. I plan to write in this blog at least once a day, so you may get bored, but I feel it is important to understand how much work goes into this especially because every day is different.

Sooo lets talk about Day 2. First I really had a hard time sleeping as I was in soooo much pain I could not find a comfortable position. I have accepted that there will be pain every day and I will get better at tolerating it. Yesterday was my first official day on the diet. I can tell you that my body did react, I felt nauseated, dry-heaved (no throwing up as I knew those were the ONLY calories in my body) a few times and was starving. I stayed within my goals, and on a plus note I was even able to have popcorn (Plain, nothing on it) at the movies. I think this fact is important because so many people become obsessed with the idea that they can't have food that they enjoy. They are wrong. You need to modify it and adjust and it isn't something you can do every day. Did I feel guilty? A little bit, but surprisingly it filled me up and I didn't even finish it! YAY! I think drinking the huge amounts of water I am drinking helped though to. I survived double cardio, and seriously at the last 20 minutes of yesterday's second session, I really didnt think I was going to make it, but my body just kind of took over and I finished! I was very proud of myself. I did, however, make the mistake of covering myself in ICY HOT last night before I went to bed. Yeah, not only did I get it in my eye *even after washing my hands repeatedly* I literally could not sleep because it was making my body hot then cold. I will not be using ICY HOT before bed again. ;-)


So how is today? Today has been pretty good so far. Had a tough workout with Brooks first thing this morning, but I survived. I think what makes it tough is the pain I'm in. Every inch of my body hurts, I would say that it is tolerable, but it still sucks. I did my hour of cardio and relaxed in the hot tub. My hunger level seems to have subsided since yesterday, but it still early in the day.

Let's talk food. Yesterday I tried cottage cheese with mandarin oranges (canned, in JUICE not syrup) and it was DELICIOUS! I would have never thought to put the two together, but that came straight from my Biggest Loser cookbook. I also found to eat carrots as a filler food, when I am absolutely starving and need something. (I dont even really like carrots, but when you are hungry enough you will eat them). I'm learning that I really prefer fresh veggies over canned or frozen and am learning to experiment with other types of meat. Tonight I think I am going to either attempt to make a low fat burger or a london broil. I'm learning that my life doesn't have to center around food, and that healthy food can be delicious. I am not a huge salad eater, so I am always trying to find alternatives.

Lyss :)

Day 2: Some rants and raves....

So today is Day 2. Double cardio sessions. I completed my first round this morning and I have to vent about something. So here I am on the treadmill, Ipod in (which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone doing cardio it keeps me entertained), singing to myself, minding my business, when this skinny little thing gets on the treadmill next to me. No offense to my skinny friends, but seriously there are 25 other treadmills empty does she HAVE to pick the one next to me? I am covered in sweat, panting, and beat red. Anyways, she starts walking, and after 10 minutes starts grabbing onto the sides and the front of the machine acting like she is dying. So I peer over to see her speed/incline and she is doing a 2.1 yes 2.1 with no INCLINE! She is BARELY moving! Here I am walking a 2.5 (mind you I am probably 200 pounds bigger than her) with an incline of 3.0 and all I want to do is grab the damn sides but know full well that it wouldn't help me and Brooks would kick my ass. I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. It's little skinny girls like that that make me work even harder, she didn't even break a sweat! She kept glaring at me like I was some monstrousity, but it was motivation for me to keep pushing through cause every time I saw her throw herself on the front of the machine, pretending to die, I pushed harder even though I seriously was in so much pain my legs were on fire. I did a full hour and then relaxed for my 15 minute reward in the hot tub. I still have one more session to go.

My diet has been a bit challenging today, in the fact that I need to consume my calories AND maintain my other levels when I didn't plan ahead. Planning meals is extremely important and I was lazy in doing that for today. I also didn't have any protein defrosted which makes it even more challenging to plan my meals. But I figured out a plan and will be planning my meals for the rest of the week to prevent this from happening again.

I am feeling pretty good, I'm hungry but not starving, I'm a little tired, and very sore, but I got some Ibprofuen and Icy Hot to help with that. :-)

OH and every Tuesday will be weigh-in day. I weighed today, not too shocked by the number on the scale. :-)

Dun dun dun....the program....

So Day 1 is complete. I survived my hour and half workout and Brooks and I discussed in length my plan. So here it is. Keep in mind this is a VERY intense plan, I am being supervised by two doctors (my GP and my endo) and I have A LOT of time on my hands.

First things first:

DIET

Per Day:

Calories: from 1200-1600
Fat: 30-35 grams
Carbs: (mainly healthy carbs) 200 grams or less
Protein: 65-75 grams

SUGAR MUST STAY DOWN!

Meal Breakdown is as follows:
Breakfast
Snack 1
Lunch (biggest meal of the day)
Snack 2
Dinner

*One of the snacks may be optional* I must eat every 2-3 hours.
I also am taking a fat burner once a day.


As many of you know I am a HUGE fan of the show "The Biggest Loser" and I use these cookbooks as a lifesaver. I also included my bodybugg which I no longer use because I have to pay for the program so I am selling it for $100 (normally 250 retail) or your best offer. As long as I stay with in my diet plan, most of the recipies in these books are very healthy and yummy. I may share some as I experiment (since I am learning how to cook ;-)).





So on to the Fitness Program: All credit goes to Brooks Weber, please do not try this unless you are supervised and a doctor approves. Thanks! :-)

JUNE Fitness Program:

MONDAY: 1 hour of cardio and 1 hour of weights (or training with Brooks depending on the schedule)

TUESDAY: 1 hour of cardio in the AM and 1 hour of cardio in the PM

WEDNESDAY: 1 hour of cardio and 1 hour of weight lifting

THURSDAY: 1 hour of cardio in the AM and 1 hour of cardio in the PM

FRIDAY: 1 hour of cardio and 1 hour of weight lifting

SATURDAY: DAY OFF!!!!! WHOOO HOOO! I picked Saturday because I normally work a long shift at Best Buy and am moving around. :-)

SUNDAY: 1 hour of cardio.


Seems like a lot, but I have the time and dedication to do this. I am always looking for people to workout with or talk to about this, so feel free to message me on facebook or join me for a cardio session!


Now, I will not be posting my weight as I am a lady, but my goal by September 1, 2011 is 60 pounds. Here are my beginning photos and I will update every couple weeks depending on how the weight comes off. I know most of you may get sick of reading this blog and all my posts, but I really feel that this is going to help me stick to this TREMENDOUSLY! Thank you to everyone who already has shown their love and support. Day 1 down, 89 to go!

A little weight-loss history.....

So let me begin this blog with some previous history about me. I've always struggled with my weight, ever since I was a little girl. I have always tried to diet, trying everything from weight watchers (lost 30 pounds), to the Diabetes diet and Curves (lost 40 pounds) and everytime the weight comes back bigger and badder. After grad school, it was the first time in my life where I wasnt consumed with academics (yes I am an overachiever and if I could go to school my entire life I so would, but thats expensive) and really took a hard look in the mirror. I was really depressed with what I saw. Here I was, I had an awesome education and was starting my dream job, but I was unhappy. I was tired all the time and the doctor told me that I had to change my life. I also found out that I have hypothyroidism and that is was majorly out of control. That is when I decided to join 24 hour fitness, and where I met Brooks Weber, the man who honestly has saved my life. My mother, swears on this, as she had a dream about him before I met him and she is thankful that I have him :-). Now when I first learned that Brooks was to be my trainer, I thought great! I'm going to finally have a person to help me out with this weight thing. Little did I know that he would become one of my very best friends and my biggest cheerleader, his wife, Heather, is also amazing and very dear to my heart. It was almost as if Brooks and I were meant to train together, we are VERY similar, and he totally gets who I am. Now that was two years ago, and I am sure some of you are wondering, well you have had him this long, where are the results. Due to contrary belief, and those who have done it know, that losing weight needs to be a lifestyle change and for me, when I embarked on this journey, I was having a quarter life crisis. I had just started my career as a school psychologist (which was MUCH more stressful than I ever anticipated) was having medical issues, and at first, I lost 40 pounds and became a little too confident in my ability to continue to lose weight and keep it off. It caught up with me. But I never gave up, and most importantly Brooks (and Ms. Heather) never gave up on me. Brooks was a saint for dealing with me during my emotional breakdowns (in fact there was a time in my life where he called it my "bitch phase" and he never wants to deal with that again) and for always being there. So what makes this time different? Well my job is stable, my health is under control, with the exception that I am now at risk for Diabetes and my mind is clear. I want this for me, because I want to get married and have children and start my life. There are no excuses. So for the next 90 days I have completely devoted my time and energy to myself, and making myself better, with the help of Brooks. Don't get me wrong, Brooks is an awesome trainer and has had many clients lose 100 pounds. I would recommend him to ANYONE without hesitation. I just know how important he is to me and I would not be able to do this without him. Speaking of Brooks, it is time for my first killer workout with him in a while and then its off to the gym for some cardio. I will update with pictures of week 1 later this evening!

And so it begins....

So I have decided to embark on a 90 transformation with my awesome trainer, Brooks. This blog will follow my weight loss journey for the next 90 days, with updates, things I learn, venting etc. I am really excited about this. My goal is 50 pounds in three months, but the more the merrier! So if you want to read or following along feel free! :-)